For more years than I care to admit but suffice it to say, it has been a vast majority of my life, I have worked hard at keeping my emotions not just under control but out of sight. There is a small but trusted number of people who have seen me weep in my brokenness and there is an even smaller number of people who have seen me let off steam from my anger. And when I say "let off steam" I don't mean, like a tea kettle that gets to boiling and promptly releases steam, I mean the pressure cooker variety kind of steam.
Maybe I like the pressure of keeping my emotions under control. Maybe I have some unacknowledged control issue that manifests in keeping my emotions stuffed and under wraps. Maybe I got the impression growing up that how I felt about stuff wasn't relevant and maybe that was reinforced by my culture and in the relationships that I chose. I have lived a life of stoicism and stiff upper lips and all that. And, I think it is not that I like pressure or like control so much as old habits die hard.
Anyway, I am now married to a man who keeps reminding me that my feelings do matter and I honestly don't know what to do with that. Especially when I have negative feelings about something he does. I almost feel sorry for him but how do you feel sorry for someone who willingly walks into a train wreck and makes a home out of it? I said, "almost". What I really feel is that I am extremely fortunate. This man...this person...he loves me better than I have ever been loved and all at the same time it is humbling, frightening and wonderful.
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